I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
