Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
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I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
