I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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