Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
