my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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