Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
