I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
