I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
