shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You're like the curious george of whores
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
