Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
