She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm getting married
To pizza
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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