and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
