I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
