Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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