Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
