he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
