You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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