i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Farmville is her only friend.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
