It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
