i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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