Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
he was CRYING into my vagina
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
