yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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