I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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