When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
