I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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