I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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