I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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