Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
