Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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