Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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