We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
wow bdsm is so cute
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
