Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
