Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
