my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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