I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
