got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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