I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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