Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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