Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
