as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
