I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
