I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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