True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
