i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He passed out mid-signature
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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