So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
