Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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