I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Randomize
