Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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