True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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