I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
