Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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