I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
