Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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