I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
