im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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